Sometimes after I do something, speak to someone, or think a certain way, I ask myself, “Do I even like who I am becoming?”
This can feel like a daunting question for the perfectionist or the obsessively moral character. But for me, a little of both, this question becomes a protruding idea in my life to double-check that I am doing everything I can, not anything more, or anything less.
It feels like in life there is always pressure to move forward or push to the next big milestone. Each year as a child is a tremendous deal with new grades and new schools constantly growing, upgrading, replacing, and chasing. Our goals and dreams are constantly shifting and changing as we get older, and it can be surreal looking back on how we used to imagine our futures.
Today, serving others can be masked as people-pleasing or vice versa. Helping out a co-worker with a task outside of your job description can be a feel-good activity or a self diminishing emotion depending on your outlook. On one hand it makes you feel like a helpful samaritan, but on the other it can also feel like a potential waste of time and energy, if not appreciated or acknowledged.
I have naturally become a generous person throughout my twenty years of life and sometimes I wonder why. Is my generosity legit in the sense that I am not just trying to earn love and approval? Looking back at my childhood I don’t presume that I had to work for love, but I did have to work to be impressive.
When I got to college the desire for straight-A’s and anxiety-based academic performance was incredibly reduced. Growing up I had straight-A’s besides the B in Spanish (Thanks Mrs. McClure), but nevertheless I had a great GPA, a 4.1 if honors and dual enrollment were considered. I remember when I was thirteen I used to tremble on the way to school, anxiously assuming that my imperfect self must have forgotten a homework assignment. Normally, I remembered, but the days I forgot felt like the punishment was already made, I made a mistake and now everyone knows I’m actually not perfect.
Today I could care less about my grade point average, as long as I keep my scholarship that allows me to attend this great University of Georgia at a minimum cost. However, recently I’ve realized that my motive for success may not actually be self-motivated, but externally driven.
Now my mind is considering that this may be a problem. If the external parties die off, then what exactly is driving you? Then again, many people work to support a family or something bigger than themselves. Maybe it has to do with others believing in you more than you believe in yourself, which allows your most successful self to come to the surface.
My greatest success that I can currently take pride in is my ability to compartmentalize and be more present in the now. As someone who has experienced both past-rumination and future anxiety, living in the present can feel like a full-time job, but actively thinking about what I am doing in the moment has been an incredible ability I have found that has recently changed my world.
When I am at work and I feel myself drifting into an obsessive spiral or a need for confirmation of a fear or stress, I simply think about what I am doing in that moment.
If I am cutting lemons-
“I am cutting lemons; I can’t forget the slit to put them on the side of the glass”.
Then my mind will drift to think about sweet tea and lemonade. Arnold Palmer and golf, and so on.
Then I feel a negative thought arising again and oop-
Now I am walking to a table holding their food,
“This plate is hot. I hope they claim it quickly, oh this smells good,” and so on.
This practice has changed my perception of my own thoughts, and like the great Marcus Aurelius once said:
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”
A trend that is surfing the internet when it comes to women in relationships is the “receiving era”. The idea of this is allowing the man to be the giver and not to chase or give too much of yourself. My issue with this is that my “giving era” has been the story of my life. I am a waitress, a big sister, a parentified daughter, and now, a loving girlfriend. Giving fills my spirit and makes me feel whole, and it doesn’t necessarily take away from being in a receiving energy, but it adds to it.
Now, where this can get complicated for some folks is when they allow themselves to get taken advantage of and no longer prioritize their own feelings and well-being. Putting someone before yourself should not feel like putting yourself at the end of the line.
Where this gets complicated for me is when I start to feel sorry for myself for being in a giving energy and not necessarily being acknowledged or appreciated right away. Is this a dog and treat scenario? Must everything I do always be rewarded? No. At least it shouldn’t have to be.
At this point, I have made a few things clear:
- Success can be externally motivated
- It’s okay to be in a giving AND receiving era
- Everything you do shouldn’t be in expectation of a return
- God will bless those who bless others ~
Proverbs 11:25: “Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.”
So, do I even like who I am becoming?
I would not have expected to end up at a University like this, in a city like this, or with a support system as I have now. I often take these things for granted, which I know to be true, but I am on a journey to stop doing so. When I think of the future now, it is very different from how I saw myself only a year ago.
A couple of years ago, I wanted to buy a van and travel the United States alone; yes, I even went around dealerships and edged on the salesmen, making them think I might actually buy something. A couple of years and a half ago, I wanted to attend graduate school in Europe because it’s “cheaper”. Just a few years ago, I wanted to go to law school and become an attorney, but about four years ago, I was trying to hold my family together. People change, dreams change, I have changed- Thank God.
Surrounding yourself with uplifting people, cutting out addictions, and discontinuing unbeneficial relationships have been some of the best decisions I have ever made. One day we all will look back at the moment that we are in right now, and we will either scoff and say “God, I wish I had done this differently,” or we will smile and think, “I have grown so much, and I will continue to do so,” with appreciation for our own efforts and love. I love to love, and I will continue to love loving. There is absolutely no regret in that!
